535 



LD W?^'' 



O PI^AYS SXCHANGSD. 




THE MISHAPS OF 
MINERVA 



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THE AMAZONS ^^'^'^ ^ Three Acts. Seven males, five females. 
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THE CABINET MINISTER fa'-^^^^ourAets. Tenmales,nine 

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THE HOBBT HORSE ^^°^^^y ^ Three Acts. Ten males, five 
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IDIC Drama In Five Acts. Seven males, seven females. Costumes, 
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LADY BOUNTIFUL ^^^^ ^ Four Acts. Eight males, seven fe- 
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f pTTV ^i^a^ma in Four Aets and an Bpilogue. Ten males, five f e- 
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No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



Xhe Mishaps of Minerva 



A Farce in Two Acts 



By 

BERTHA CURRIER PORTER 

Author of ^^Gadsby's Girls^'' *-^ Pictures in the Fire^^ 
" Lucia s Lover ^^ etc. 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 

1910 



4-7 

The Mishaps of Minerva 



CHARACTERS 



Mortimer J. Sterling, an easy-going business man. 

Victor Brown, a young doctor, friend of the family and 

especially of Minerva. 
Harry Stevenson, a *' cub " reporter, attentive to Clara. 
Barnes, the butler. 

Mike Shannon, a very new policeman. 
Mrs. Lydia Sterling, domestic and quiet. 
Minerva Sterling, willing to oblige. 
Clara Sterling, her you?tger sister. 
Molly, the maid. 

Belle Brantley, reporter for "The Screamer.^* 
Mrs. Wright, a club woman. 
Miss Palmer, a philanthropic worker. 
Mrs. Jennie Van Deusen Spuyker, a Personage. 
Members of the reception committee. 

Costumes : — Modern. Time : — The present. 



SYNOPSIS OF SCENES 

Act I. — Living-room of the Sterling home, afternoon before 
the reception. 

Act II. — Same — the morning after. 




Copyright, 1910, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 
(g C1.D 21059 



The Mishaps of Minerva 



ACT I 

SCENE. — Living-room of the Sterling ho7ne. Doors r. and L. 
Large window at rear, recessed and curtained. Good- 
sized desk, very much in disorder and loaded with papers y 
at side. Telephone on desk. Table, chairs, bookcases, and 
all the pleasant disarray of a cozy room, much used. Min- 
erva Sterling is seated at the desk, her back to the audi- 
ence, busily writing. 

MiN. {coming to the fro?it of the stage ivith a large basket 
of envelopes and folded circulars. She puts the circulars hur- 
riedly into the envelopes^. Goodness ! I should have done 
this before. There ought to be an assistant secretary anyway. 
What time is it ? One o'clock ? And the mail goes at quarter 
past. And there is that directors' meeting at two. I don't 
see why Clara could not have stayed and helped me instead of 
flying off to the station with mother and father. I don't care 
if mother did go off to avoid the reception. I really didn't 
think she would go, though, because she was so worried for 
fear I shouldn't do everything exactly right. If I can't run 
this house for two days, even with a reception, my course in 
domestic science hasn't done me much good. {Enter Molly.) 
Well, Molly, what is it ? 

Molly. Please, Miss Minerva, what will you have for 
dinner ? 

MiN. Why, I don't know. Have anything you want. 

Molly. Mrs. Sterling always tells me what to get. She 
said come to you for orders while she was away. 

MiN. I should think it was the cook's business to know 
what to get to eat. I don't know, I tell you. And I don't 
care ! I shan't have time to eat to-day, anyway. 

Molly. Very well, miss. But, miss, if you could put up 
with something easy, because I don't feel very well. I don't 



4 THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 

know what is the matter with me, but I'm all broke out, miss, 
and I'm kind o' nervous because there's a good deal of sick- 
ness round, and I didn't know but what I was going to 
have 

MiN. {hurriedly interrupting). That will be all right. I 
like that as well as anything. 

Molly {indignantly). Well, of all things ! 

\_Exit Molly, flouncing angrily fro7n the room. 

MiN. I do hope the reception will be a success. I was so 
pleased when they said they wanted to have it here. Of 
course, having all the clubs, they need a good deal of room, 
and my house is the biggest, and it's very central, but Mrs. 
Wright said those were minor considerations — they thought I'd 
make such a nice hostess. That was so sweet of them. And 
then, of course, as it was going to be here, they made me 
chairman of the committee so I could have everything the way 
I wanted it. I wonder if I have attended to all the details ? 

Let me see {Goes to desk a?id consults a note-book.) 

Chairs — yes, they are ordered. Refreshments — yes, they're 
all right. Waiters — that's all settled, because they thought 
we'd better depend on Molly and Barnes — it would save ex- 
pense, and then they are more used to the house than strangers 
would be. They don't like it very well, though. Napkins — 
Mrs. George was going to see to those. I'd better ring her 
up and be sure. {At telephone.) Four-one-nine — ring three, 
please What? Number changed? Well, give me infor- 
mation Hello? Hello, information? I can't hear 

you I'm calling Mrs. Alvin George, 49 Richmond Terrace. 

Oh, one-seven-one-seven, ring two? Thank you 

One-seven-one-seven, ring two? Is Mrs. George there ? Yes — 

oh, good-morning, Mrs. George Yes, I'm well, how are 

you? Oh, I'm so sorry — nothing serious, I hope? Oh, 

I'm so glad — it wouldn't be anything without you Why, 

certainly, I'll send the motor for you. Oh, no trouble at 

all Did you see about the napkins? Oh, yo\i didn' t ? 

Why, yes, I can, only I've so much to do Couldn't you 

order them by telephone? He hasn't any? Yes, I'm 

going to the directors' meeting Well, it's quite out of my 

way 

Enter Molly. 

Molly {still indignant). A gentleman to see you, Miss 
Minerva. It's Dr. Browne, Miss Minerva. And I wish you'd 



THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 5 

ask him to look at my arms before he goes — they're all cov- 
ered with rash and 

MiN. Hold the line a minute, please. (^To Molly.) I'm 
too busy to see any one this afternoon, Molly. {Telephones ?) 

I'll try, Mrs. George, but Why, if she hasn't hung up 

and left me talking. \Exit Molly. 

Enter Victor Browne. 

Vic. Good-morning, Minerva. I just saw the folks in the 
auto and I thought I'd find you alone, so I dropped in a min- 
ute. It's a horrible hour for a call, but doctors don't have 
much time, you know. 

MiN. Hello, Victor. I'm dreadfully busy to-day. You 
know we are to have a big reception here to-night, and of 
course there is a great deal to do. 

Vic. And of course you are doing the whole of it as usual. 

MiN. I have an engagement at two, and before that I have 
to get all these circulars in the mail. 

Vie. Can I be of assistance? We can talk as we work. 
{Looks about.^ Minerva, I think this is the joUiest house ever. 

MiN. Yes, it's very well. We have such a large drawing- 
room, and it lends itself nicely to lectures. The acoustics are 
good. 

Vic. Bother ! I didn't mean that. I was thinking about 
this room. It's so bright and homelike and — liveable, don't 
you know? {After a pause. ^ I think your mother is a lovely 
woman. 

MiN. {anxiously). You're not working very fast, Victor. 
I wish you would attend to business and not get maudlin about 
the house. You've seen it often enough. The mail goes at 
one-fifteen and I thought you could take these to the office as 
you go along. 

Vic. {blankly'). Oh — yes — well, I'd better say what I came 
to say if you are in such a hurry. {He fidgets with a circular, 
while she works furiously.) Minerva, I think you must know 
what I want to tell you. You must have seen — ^ — 

MiN. That reminds me. Molly wanted you to see her 
arms. Shall I call her ? 

Vic. Not now. My practice now is well enough established 
to warrant me in maintaining a larger establishment. 

MiN. I'm awfully glad, I'm sure. When 'are you going to 
move ? 



THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 



Vic. And I feel the time has come when 



MiN. Oh, Victor, do hurry ! It's ten minutes past one. 
There, they are all done. I'll tie them up and you can put 
them right in the office as you go along, and they will go out 
on the next mail. (ZT*? rises.') I'm ever so much obliged to 
you. You've been such a help. And you'll come again when 
you have more time, won't you? Mother will be sorry to miss 
you. 

(As she forces him toward the door, enter Molly.) 
Molly. A lady to see^you. Miss Minerva. 

Enter Belle Brantley ; exit Molly. 

Belle. Miss Sterhng? Miss Minerva Sterling, who is 
giving the reception to-night? I'm Belle Brantley of the 
Screamer, and I'd like an interview for our series of articles on 
*< Charming Women Whose Lives Are Devoted to Charity." 
It isn't often that we put in any one who. is so young, but your 
good works are so widely spread that there has been a great 
demand to have you in the series. Are you engaged to be 
married ? 

MiN. Really, this is very unexpected. And I don't think 
that 

Vic. (aside). She hasn't time to be. 

Belle. The first thing the public wants to know. Now I'd 
like his picture to put with yours, with a Cupid holding the 
ends of a bow-knot festooned about them both. Or you might 
be taken together for this article. Our photographer is outside 
getting views of the house and grounds. He will be in 
directly, for the interiors. Are you the only child ? It was so 
nice to have your auto at the gate. He's taken that — a lady 
kindly sat in it and he took her back. That will save you one 
pose. I suppose you are dreadfully busy, and I won't detain 
you but a minute. What are you going to wear at the recep- 
tion ? How much is your father's income? What is your 
favorite dish ? What month were you born in ? Are you 
superstitious? Do you like snakes? Are you fond of nature? 
Do you design your own clothes? Oh, there is your desk — I'll 
just glance it over. Desks are so characteristic. I shall get 
lots of material there. 

Enter Molly. 



THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 7 

Molly. Mrs. Wright, Miss Minerva. 

Enter Mrs. Wright ; exit M.o\an . 

Mrs. W. Good-afternoon, Minerva, darling. How is every- 
thing? Oh, how do you do, Dr. Browne? {Archly.^ It's 
quite a surprise to find you here to-day. Rumor has it that 
you're very hard on us poor workers. But lovers, we know, 
Doctor, lovers 

Belle {coming forward^. Oh, Miss Sterling, then you are 
engaged to Dr. Browne? Glad to know you, Dr. Browne. 
Aren't you the germ Dr. Browne? And do you really give 
poor little rabbits and guinea-pigs all sorts of horrid diseases ? 
You haven't any rabbits or things about you now that my man 
could take a picture of, have you? Then I'll have our artist 
design some to put around your picture. If you will let me 
take your picture of him. Miss Sterling, I can get a fine half- 
tone, and I assure you nothing will happen to it. Would you 
mind posing for the photographer as you go down the steps, 
Doctor? The Screamer is great on pictures, you know. 

Vic. {stiffly'). I'm not going at present. 

Belle. Oh, there's no hurry. This article won't come out 
till the Sunday edition. I'm to stay in town till after the recep- 
tion and write that up too. 

Mrs. W. Minerva, dear, isn't it lovely? This lady is 
going to write up the reception. How do you do? I'm Mrs. 
Wright, second vice-president of the Sorority — my specialty is 
disinfected ice for the lower classes, and to have it left in germ- 
proof coverings. Don't you know there are so many horrid 
little microbes and things in the ponds, and it's almost impossi- 
ble to kill them ? And my theory is that they all freeze up in 
the ice, and when the ice is melted in ice-water, why, there 
they are again, all alive, just like frogs in stones, you know. 
And of course, as the poor people drink the ice-water, they get 
the germs into their systems, and that makes them have all sorts 
of horrid diseases, you know. 

Enter Molly. 

Molly. Miss Palmer, Miss Minerva. 

Efiter Miss Palmer ; exit Molly. 

Miss P. How do you do, Miss Sterling? Oh, dear Mrs. 
Wright, how do you do? Good- afternoon, Dr. Browne. No, 



8 THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 

thank you, I can stop only a moment. I called, Miss Sterling, 
from the Willing Workers, to see if you would be kind enough 
to help us a little on our sale. We hope you will consent to 
take a table. Each matron is asked to supply fifty dollars' 
worth of articles, and guarantee to buy whatever is left on the 
table. We felt we should have a hard and fast rule, and then 
there wouldn't be any rivalry. 

MiN. When is the sale ? 

Miss P. In about three weeks. 

Vic. {aside to Mm., earnestly). Minerva, surely you won't 
promise to do any more work. You ought not to. 

MiN. {ignormg hitn). Why, Miss Palmer, I am very busy, 
but you were so kind to think of me. I won't promise, but I 
think you may count on me. 

Vic. {aloud). Minerva ! 

MiN. On second thoughts, Miss Palmer, I will say definitely 
that I will take a table. 

Miss P. Thank you so much. Miss Sterling. Good-bye. 

YExit Miss P. 

Belle. So interested in all forms of philanthropy — I have 
that interview verbatim. 

Mrs. W. Minerva, I don't want to hurry you, but we shall 
be late for the meeting if we don't start now. {To Belle.) 
Would you care to come to the meeting? We are planning to 
build a club-house, and it may be interesting to you. 

Belle, Thank you — yes. 

MiN. You will excuse me, Dr. Browne. You remember I 
told you I had an engagement. 

Mrs. W. {coyly). Only a business engagement. Doctor. 
Don't be jealous. Good-bye. 

Belle. Good-bye, Dr. Browne. Perhaps you'll give me an 
interview at the office later. 

\_Exeunt Mm., Mrs. W., and Belle. 

Vic. {abse7itly tying and untying the bundle of circulars). 
What do you think of that ? And those people are specimens 
of the ones that Minerva is wearing herself to skin and bone 
for. Something must be done. She has the worst case 'of 
obh'ge-itis that I have ever seen. Taken in moderation it is 
rather a good thing, but in acute stages it is sometimes fatal. 
What can I do ? Perhaps nothing till this reception is over. 
Reception? Isn't there some chance there? {Muses.) I'll 
do it. It will mean sacrificing ray moustache, but what is a 
moustache compared with Minerva ? 



THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 9 

Enter Harry Stevenson and Clara Sterling. 

Har, Hullo, Victor. Where's Minerva ? I have to get 
some points on this shindy to-night. I thought I should get 
here sooner, but I met Clara and we walked through the park. 
What are you doing here ? I never thought to see you in this 
business. 

Vic. Oh, I'm mailing circulars, and trying to discover an 
antitoxin for the noxious disease of doing other people's work. 

Clara. I wish you could, and I'd give Min a dose. She 
needs it more than anybody I know of. There can't any of us 
manage her. Pa and ma have given up at this last outburst 
and gone to the gay metropolis over night. They thought it 
would be quieter than the reception. 

Vic. I agree with them. Say, Harry, do you know a sister 
reporter named Belle Brantley — from the Screamer ? She is 
here to write up this reception business, and dogs Minerva like 
a six-eyed sleuth. 

Har. I've heard of her — never saw her. She's a corker, 
all right. They must have thought there'd be something doing 
to send her down here. 

Clara. I wish there would be so much doing that we'd 
never have another. 

Vic. That settles it. Good-bye, dearly beloved, I'm off to 
perfect a scheme that may realize your fondest hopes. Maybe 
your Belle will have something worth writing up after all. 

Clara. Oh, what is it, Victor ? Tell us. 

Vic. I'm going to shave off my moustache and attend the 
reception — not as Dr. Browne, the germ theorist, but as some 
one as famous as Dr. Browne hopes some day to be. I'll hide 
my manly form in flowing robes and gather material and 
ammunition, and to-morrow and every day I'll limber up my 
batteries and train them on Minerva till she surrenders. 

Clara. Great — great ! But that won't interfere with the 
reception. We must do something to spoil it. If it is a suc- 
cess she will be worse than ever, and talking won't do any 
good. We must do something. Harry, can't you help us out ? 

Har. We broke up a spread at home once by stealing all 
the dishes. 

Clara {^excitedly). That's it! That's it! We'll make 
her think there's a burglar in the house. If there's one thing 
Minerva dreads — it's a burglar. She always looks under the 
bed before she turns out the light. 



lO THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 

Har. But we must tell the servants. 

Clara. They'll be glad to help. 

Vic. Better steal them, too. That would clog the wheels 
some, 

Clara. Victor, that is the suggestion of genius ! We will 
go now and explain and have them called away or something — 
they can come back to-morrow — and I'll go too, and you'll be 
away, Victor, and Harry 

Har. I'll be off on a detail somewhere, all right. 

Clara. We must get busy. Tempus is a-fugit-ing. 

Vic. I must run along and get my costume ready. I shall 
have to leave the looting to you two. 

Har. We'll attend to that, I assure you. Oh, say, Victor, 
just stop and put Barnes wise on the way out, will you ? 

Vic. All right. \_Exit Vic. 

Har. Where can we hide the stuff? 

Clara. Oh, I hadn't thought of that. We can't leave it 
here in the house because this reception will recept in every 
corner. Oh, I know — ^just the thing ! We'll take it all over 
to Victor's office. Never mind if he isn't there. The janitor 
knows me and will let me in. And he can bring it all back 
to-morrow in his auto. 

Har. Fine — great head. Oh, here comes some one — 
scoot. \_Exeunt Clara and Har. 

Enter Mm. 

MiN. (^flinging herself into a chair'). I'm all tired out ! 
And after we went away down there, there wasn't a quorum so 
we couldn't do a thing. {Enter Barnes.) Well, Barnes, 
what is it ? 

Barnes. If you please, Miss Minerva, I've just got word 
that me mother is very sick and I've got to go at once. 

MiN. But, Barnes, you can't go. I'm depending on you 
for to-night. 

Barnes. But, miss, I'm going. [Exit Barnes. 

MiN, The impudence of him ! What shall I do ? Oh, I 
suppose I can get a man from the caterer's. 

Enter Clara. 

Clara. How goes it, Min? Say, I'm awfully sorry, but 
I'm going away for the night. You don't mind, do you ? It's 
a surprise party — something awfully sudden. 



THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA II 

MiN. Why, Clara, I wanted you to help me. 

Clara. What could 1 do? You said you had everything 
all planned and there wouldn't be a thing for any one else to 
do. I'm going anyway, and I'm going now. I've promised. 
You can get some of the other people to do a little work — it's 
about time. I'll be home some time to-morrow. Good-bye — 
hope you have a lovely time. [_£xit Clara. 

MiN. I think I'd better call up Victor and ask him about 
getting a butler. (Goes to telephone.') Nine-seven-naught, 

please. Hello, is Dr. Browne in? What's that? Gone 

out of town ? Why, isn't that sudden ? He was here just a 

little while ago. When will he be back? Very well — good- 
bye. That's queer — he must have had an emergency case. 

Enter Molly, in tears and terror. 

Molly. I've got it. Miss Minerva — oh, I've got it sure ! 
Don't you come near me ! Oh, what shall I do ? 

MiN. Molly, what ails you ? 

Molly. I told you and you thought it was something to 
eat, and I told Miss Clara and she said it was a rash, but I've 
been readin' up in the doctor's book, and I've got all the 
symptoms— oh, I'm so sick — oh, my back ! Oh, my poor 
head ! Oh, my poor arms — and the spots are just the right 
shape ! 

MiN. {hacking slowly away). What is it? 

Molly. Oh, I can't stay here, for you'll catch it; and I 
can't go out on the street, for they'll catch it — oh — oh — oh ! 

MiN. {still backing away). What — is — it ? Speak, for 
heaven's sake ! 

Molly {backifig aivay). Smallpox — smallpox — oh — oh — 
oh! 

{Size cries and laughs hysterically, then rushes from the 
stage. After a horrified pause, Min. dashes after her.) 

Enter Clara and Har., with a large suit case, which they 
proceed to fill with ornaffiefits and bric-a-brac. They are 
full of suppressed laughter. 

Clara. Hustle — hustle ! That green vase over there is 
one of Minerva's favorites. Take that. 

Har. Give me something to wrap it up in. This Venus is 
altogether too chaste and cold to embrace anything as fragile 



12 THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 

as that. I don't want to have to refurnish your father's house 
— I'd prefer to furnish one for you. 

Clara. I don't see anything but this table cover — take 
that. 

Har. Isn't it grand about Molly ? I told her to get away 
somehow, but that smallpox idea is a stroke of genius. And 
luck is with us, having the doc busy. If he should see Min- 
erva in the state she is in now he'd give the whole thing away. 
I must say I feel rather like a brute myself, but principle holds 
me firm. 

Clara. Yes, I thought I should scream to see Molly rush- 
ing down-stairs and Minerva trying to head her off and yet 
not get infected. Take that cut-glass bowl — take anything 
that will hold flowers. 

Har. ingoing to desk). How about the fountain pen ? 

Clara. Anything — anything — only hurry ! Heavens, what 
is this awful smell ? Oh, I hear her coming. 

Har. Beat it in behind the curtains. I'll hold the fort. 
If it is Minerva I'll interview her, and if it is a stranger I'll 
entertain her. 

(Clara hides in the window. She whispers loudly.) 

Clara. Shut that suit case. 

(^He closes it hastily and sets it by a chair.') 

Enter Mm. She carries a large bottle of disinfectant and an 
atomizer, and goes from chair to chair ^ spraying them. 
She does not see Har. 

Har. What is the matter, Minerva ? What are you doing? 

MiN. (starting). Oh, who is it? How did you get in? 
Oh, I must not sit down. The chairs are infected. 

Har. Infected? What are you talking about? 

MiN. Let me spray you with this disinfectant. (She chases 
Har. about the roo7n, luhile he dodges, trying to escape the 
spray.) There, now you are safer. But let me light some 
joss-sticks. Where are the matches? Harry, haven't you a 
match ? Here, take these. Hold them in your hand and in- 
hale .them as you talk. {She does the same.) 

Har. But, Minerva, what does this mean ? There aren't 
any mosquitoes in here. 

Mm. It's worse than mosquitoes. It's smallpox ! 



THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA I3 

Har. (apparently much excited'). Smallpox? Who? 
What? Where? Are you crazy? 

MiN. {sniffing vigorously at the joss-sticks). Keep smelling 
— keep smelling ! No, I'm not crazy, but I soon shall be. 
Molly has the smallpox — she has just gone to the pest-house. 

Har. Molly gone to the pest-house? How did she go? 

MiN. In a carriage. I telephoned for one. I didn't tell 
them she had smallpox, or where she" wanted to go. She said 
she would give them an address near there and walk the rest 
of the way. 

Har. (Jumping to his feet). Minerva Sterling ! Do you 
realize what you have done? Sent her off in a public vehicle 
and exposed countless millions to contagion ? How do you 
know how many people are going to ride in that same carriage ? 
Possibly even to-night some joyous bride may leap lightly onto 
that very seat and, all unconscious, ride to her loathsome 
death ? 

MiN. (horrified). Oh, Harry, I never thought of that! 
And I don't even know the number. What shall I do? What 
shall I do? 

Har. You can't do anything, except hope that it may turn 
out to be chickenpox. {After a pause.) What are you going 
to do about to-night? Call it off, I suppose. If it wasn't too 
late I'd put a notice in the paper for you. 

MiN. I guess I shan't call it off now. That is out of the 
question. Don't you think that all this disinfectant makes it 
safe enough? I've tried to get Victor and ask him, but he is 
away for a few days. I don't want to ask anybody else because 
I don't want any one to know what a mess I am in. And 
everybody has gone off and left me, and I'm so discouraged 
and miserable — oh, Harry, do help me ! 

Har. Poor girl — have you had any lunch? 

MiN. No, there isn't any. 

Har. You go out now and have a good square meal. I'll 
take care of things here, and you will feel like a different per- 
son when you come back. A good sirloin steak will turn the 
blues into rose color. 

MiN. You angel ! I was beginning to feel so alone. 

l^Exit MiN. 

Enter hurriedly from the windozv, Clara. 
Har. Is remorse gnawing at your vitals yet ? 



14 THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 

Clara. Not to any appreciable extent. It won't keep me 
from going down-stairs and getting the silver. 

\^Exit Clara. 

Enter Mm. 

MiN. It's no use, Harry. I can't go. There isn't time. 
It is late now and the extra chairs haven't come, and the 
caterer's men will be here any minute, and there's a final com- 
mitt^ .meeting here this afternoon, and the flowers are due, 
and, oh, there are a million things to do. This house smells 
to heaven. 

Har. {encouragingly). Perhaps they will all have colds in 
their heads. 

{A confused clamor of voices is heard outside. Min. listens ^ 
and as she rises to go and see what it is, enter Belle and 
Mrs. W., talking confide?itially. Har. slips out.) 

Belle. And here is the hostess of the evening's function, 
calm and tranquil. Such poise ! I must not forget that in my 
account. 

Mm. {annoyed). Oh, Miss Brantley — Mrs. Wright — I did 
not expect any one so early. 

Mrs. W. Now don't let us disturb you at all. I thought 
I would just run in and see if there wasn't some little last thing 
that I could do. Or is everything ready ? And Miss Brantley 
begged to come too. 

Belle. Yes, if there is anything that I adore it is seeing 
the inside working of a scheme. And when I have an article 
to write up I always like to know the ground thoroughly. It 
is the little intimate touches that the public likes, you know. 

Mm. I am sure there is plenty to do. I have telephoned 
and telephoned, but I can't hurry anything. (A bell rings.) 
There is some one now. If you will excuse me, I will see who 
it is. My maid has suddenly been obliged to go away. 

Belle. Please let me go — oh, let me do anything that I 
can. \^Exit Belle. 

Mrs. W. Your maid gone ? How provoking ! But it is 
just Hke the irresponsible creatures. They don't care for any 
one's convenience as long as their own comfort is undisturbed. 

Mm. This was really unavoidable. In fact, I myself in- 
sisted that she should go. 

Enter Belle, with florists^ boxes. 



THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA I5 

Belle. Here are the flowers, Miss Sterling. (She opens the 
boxes.') What beauties ! 

MiN. Where will be the most effective place for them ? 

Mrs. W. These roses should go in front of the mirror. 
Where is your beautiful green vase, Minerva ? 

MiN. (taking out more flowers'). On the mantel. 

Mrs. W. It isn't here. 

MiN. It must be on the table then. 

Mrs. W. No, it isn't. 

MiN. Why, where can it be? Molly must have had it. 
{Aside.) And it hasn't been disinfected. Does glass carry 
germs ? 

Mrs. W. I'd use another if I could find one. Where are 
your vases ? 

MiN. (looking about). Gone ! And there are other things 
gone, too. What does it mean? Where is Venus? And the 
table-cloth ? And my desk has been rifled. 

Belle. There has been a burglary. 

MiN. (shrieking). A burglar? In broad daylight? Call 
the police ! Oh, what next ? 

Belle. I wonder if anything else is missing? 

Mrs. W. Let us go and see. 

Belle. Yes, we must investigate. Another story ! 

MiN. Don't leave me here alone — I'll go too. 

\_Exeunt Mrs. W., Belle and Mm. 

Enter Clara and Har. They carry a large basket filled 
with silver and cut-glass. 

Clara. You stay on guard, and I'll run up-stairs and get 
Min's jewelry — they have gone down. [Exit Clara. 

Har. Things are moving — things are moving. And the 
six-eyed sleuth is onto her job, all right. (Jle listens.) Some 
one approaches. More than one. I must get away with the 
spoils. Clara will see to herself. \_Exit Har., with basket. 

Enter Mm., Belle and Mrs. W., in great consternatioji. 

Mrs. W. Oh, oh, isn't it terrible? Didn't I see that cur- 
tain move? 

MiN. All the silver gone, what shall we do ? ( With a sud- 
den scream^ Oh, I never thought — what shall we do for to- 
night? And it is five o'clock now. 

(C'LARK peeks in at the door, but disappears.) 



1 6 THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 

Belle. Telephone to the caterer. Tell him to bring every- 
thing. (A bell rings. ^ 
MiN. Oh, you go ! 
Belle. You go ! 
Mrs. W. You go ! 
Belle. We'll all go! 

\_Exeunt Mm., Belle ««^Mrs. W. 

Enter Clara. 

Clara {waving jewelry). The plot thickens ! I always 
knew a burglar's life must be exciting. Cheer up, sister dear, 
your troubles are just beginning. I have all your money, too. 

\_Exit Clara. 

Enter Mm., Belle ^«^Mrs. W., all crowding together about 
a telegram. 

Belle (excited). I didn't know she was in the East. 

Mrs. W. Have you ever seen her. Miss Brantley ? 

Belle. No, have you ? 

Mrs. W. Not to meet her — only at a distance. 

Mm. To think of her wanting to come ! Isn't it sweet of 
her? 

Mrs. W. So fortunate that she should come just at the time 
of the reception. 

Mm. But, oh, look at the house ! And look at me ! I'll 
just run up and change my gown. She doesn't say how soon 
she will come. [^Exit Mm. 

Belle. I'll telegraph the Screamer at once. This will be 
a scoop, all right. (She sits at desk.) 

E7iter Mm., ifi complete collapse. 

Mm. This house has been ransacked ! My jewelry is gone 
and all my money. If father were only here ! I wish this old 
reception was in the Red Sea. 

Belle. What ? More missing ? We must do something. 

Enter Vic, disguised as Mrs. Jennie Van Deusen Spuyker. 

Mrs. V. D. S. I rang several times but no one came so I 
ventured to come up, as I heard voices. I think I have the 
right address — Miss Minerva Sterling, 49 Greenstone Road ? 

Mm. {controlling herself ). Yes, 1 am Miss Sterling. And 
you 



\ THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 1 7 

Mrs. V. D. S. {sweetly), I am Mrs. Jennie Van Deusen 
Spuyker. 

Chorus {awestruck), Mrs. Jennie Van Deusen Spuyker ! 

Belle. We should have known you. But I'm sure you 
will be glad to say a word for publication in the Screamer. 

Mrs. W. Dear Mrs. Spuyker, this is a great honor and so 
sweet of you to come so informally. If we had known you 
were in town we should have called on you and begged you to 
grace the occasion with your presence. The name of Jennie 
Van Deusen Spuyker is ever a beacon and an inspiration to us. 

Mrs. V. D. S. Thank you — you are very kind. But I felt 
sure that I should be welcome. I am always so fortunate in 
finding hospitality. I heard of your reception to-night, and, 
being here, did not want to miss such a delightful opportunity 
to meet my sister workers. 

MiN. Your humble followers, Mrs. Spuyker. 

Mrs. W. Dear Mrs. Spuyker, will you have some tea ? 

Mrs. V. D. S. Thank you. 

Mrs. W. Minerva, dear, will you have Molly bring up a 
tray, or shall Mrs. Spuyker go to the dining-room ? 

MiN. {aghast). I will see to it myself. {Aside.) Horrors! 
what shall I do? No food — no knives — no forks — no spoons 
— no money ! 

Mrs. V. D. S. Don't let me disturb your arrangements. 
You must be very busy. I can go right down to the dining'- 
room. {She starts toward the door.) 

Mm. {a little astonished). Oh, no, Mrs. Spuyker, I will 
bring you some tea. \^Exit Min. 

Belle. And now, Mrs. Spuyker, I'm Belle Brantley of the 
Screamer. I'm wiring them that you're here. And while we 
are waiting for the tea perhaps you'd be good enough to give 
me your views on some of the questions of the day ? 

Mrs. V. D. S. {uneasily). My dear Miss Brantley, I must 
beg you not to mention me at all. I am on a little recuperat- 
ing trip after my lectures and really I must insist on being 
entirely incognito as regards the press. 

Belle {aside). She must have changed. I always heard 
she was great on interviews. 

Mrs. W. I've read every word of your lectures over and 
over. Tell me, what do you think of disinfected ice for the 
poor ? And 

Enter Mm., with the tea-tray, minus all silver. 



l8 THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 

MiN. I know you will excuse us, dear Mrs. Spuyker, but 
my maid was obliged to go away, and I am living a very 
Bohemian existence to-day. Will you have sugar or lemon in 
your tea ? 

Mrs. V. D. S. {off guard'). Sugar — four lumps, same as 
usual. 

MiN. (astonished). I beg your pardon ? 

Mrs. V. D. S. Oh, pardon me, I was thinking of some- 
thing else. I'll take lemon, if you please. 

MiN. {looking at her with sudden suspicion). There aren't 
any spoons available. I'm sorry. 

Mrs. W. Minerva dear, I think I must go home and dress 
now. The committee will be here right away so you will have 
plenty of help, and I'm sure Miss Brantley would be only too 
glad to stay and do what she can. Good-bye for a time, dear 
Mrs. Spuyker. I shall have the pleasure of seeing you again 
very soon. \^Exit Mrs. W. 

Mrs. V. D. S. Good-bye. (^To Mm.) Is your sister at 
home, Miss Sterling ? 

MiN. {with growing suspicion). No, Clara is away. But 
how did you know I had a sister ? You are an absolute stran- 
ger to me. {Aside.) Can this woman be other than she 
seems ? 

Mrs. V. D. S. {confused). I — I must have heard some one 
mention her. 

Belle. I think there is some one at the door, Miss Sterling. 
It may be the man with the chairs. Shall I go ? 

MiN. If you would be so kind. 

{As Belle goes out Mrs. V. D. S. makes a sudden movement 
as if to open the door for her, but quickly recovers her- 
self) 

Mrs. V. D. S. Are you alone in the house, Miss Sterling ? 

MiN. {much alarmed). What is that to you? Why do 
you ask me such curious questions ? And how did you get 
into the house, anyway ? The door was locked — I distinctly 
remember now. Who are you ? You are not the woman you 
pretend to be. You know your way about this house although 
you pretend to be a stranger. You have been here before. 
There are valuables and jewelry missing. You are not Mrs. 
Spuyker — you are an impostor ! Who are you ? 



THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA JQ 

{They rise, facing each other, hut before Mrs. V. D. S. can 
\ make any reply the door is flung suddenly open?) 

Enter Belle, ivho is followed by the eager 7?iembers of the 
eommittee. 

Belle. Ladies, Mrs. Jennie Van Deusen Spuyker ! 

{As they form a noisy, admiring group about Mrs. V. D. S., 
MiN. ts left alone at the side of the stage. She looks 
wildly about and makes a gesture of despair as') 



THE CURTAIN FALLS 



ACT II 

SCENE. — The same. Time, the next morning. Mm. and 
Mike Shannon are seated in front, earnestly conversing. 

Mike. Now phwat did yez say is missin' ? 

MiN. Two cut-glass vases, one large green vase, one Vene- 
tian table cover, one small gilt clock — let me see — one statue 
of the Venus de Medici 

Mike. Phwat statute is that ? It ain't in the Manual. 

MiN. A statue — a figure, you know. 

Mike. Ah, yis, phwat else ? 

Mm. All the silver, every knife, fork and spoon in the 
house. 

Mike. Anny larrge pieces ? 

Mm. No. 

Mike. Whin did yez miss 'em? 

Mm. Yesterday afternoon. And I was at home during the 
whole time. 

Mike. Do yez suspict annybody ? Where was the maid ? 

MiN. {shtiddering). She went away very suddenly at noon- 
time. . 

Mike {eagerly). Thot's it ! Thot's it ! She tuk the things 
whin she went. It's as plain as the nose on yer face. We'll 
locate the gurrl an' recover the things. 

Mm. No, she couldn't have taken them. It was impos- 
sible. She went in a great hurry and she did not stop to take 
anything — not even a hand-bag. I saw her go. 

Mike. She moight have taken thim before or she moight 
have come back ag'in. Was there annything else? 

Mm. Oh, yes. All my jewelry — a platinum chain with 
ruby pendant, three diamond rings, a gold bracelet in the form 
of a snake, a gold thimble, my watch, a turquoise ring, and, 
oh, yes, the worst of all. There were others that missed 
things. You see we were getting ready for a reception last 
evening and of course everything was in commotion. During 
the evening Mrs. Wright lost a filagree pin and Mrs. Dunbar 
lost her purse and when they went home Mrs. George's lace 
scarf was gone. Of course the house was open all the evening 

20 



THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 21 

and some sneak thief may have come m, but it seems very sus- 
picious right after the robbery in the afternoon, now don't you 
think so ? 

Mike. 01 think thot whin we find one av thim we shall 
find thim all. Now have yez anny suspicions of the people ? 
Can yez account for all thot were here ? Were there anny 
shtrange persons here yisterday ? 

Mm. Yes, there was one, but — oh, I'm sure she couldn't 
have had anything to do with it ! Though I was suspicious 
once, but after that everything was all right and no one else 
seemed to notice anything out of the way. 

Mike. Yez niver can tell. In a case like this, me motto 
is, ''Think ivery man guilty till he proves himself innocent." 
Wimmen the same — who was she ? 

Min. I'm sure my suspicions are unjust. 

Mike. Who was she ? 

Min. Oh, she is above suspicion. If I hadn't been so up- 
set about something that had happened just before, I shouldn't 
have noticed anything probably. She is Mrs. Jennie Van 
Deusen Spuyker, the celebrity. She came unexpectedly, but 
she was so sweet and unceremonious. Yet, she did act queerly 
at one time. 

Enter Vic, minus his moustache. 

Vic. I beg your pardon, Minerva. I thought you were 
alone. What does this mean ? What has happened ? 

Mm. Oh, Victor, Victor, I'm so glad to see you. I'm so 
glad you've come home. I've had the most awful time ! 
Molly had the — I mean Molly had to go away, and then a 
burglar came and stole everything in the house, and last evening 
three ladies lost things, and they are just as cross with me as 
can be, although I'm sure I didn't take their things, and I'm 
all alone, because Clara went away over night and Barnes' 
mother was sick and he went away, and I tried to get you but 
you had gone away, and I was so frightened and tired, and I 
didn't know what to do, so I telephoned the police and they 
sent Officer Shannon here, and I was just telling him all about 
it. (^Cries.) 

Vic. You poor little girl — you have had a hard time of it. 
There, there, don't cry now. How do you do, Officer Shan- 
non ? I'm Dr. Browne. This is a pretty mess. Minerva, 
have you any idea who could have been in the house ? 

Min. I haven't any ideas at all — I'm just miserable. 



22 THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 

Mike. Now, Miss Shterling, don't yez feel nervous. We'll 
have the vagabonds in no* time. It seems to me thot if there is 
annything left here to shteal, and yez say there is 

MiN. He didn't take the silver service. 

Mike. Sure — thot's it ! He'll be back. Anny man thot's 
bould enough to shteal all day, won't rest while there's anny 
more to get. All we've got to do is to lay low an' nab him 
whin he coQies. 

Via I'm inclined to think you're right, officer. But 
shouldn't you have another man on the job outside? Suppose 
I go to headquarters and have some one sent to watch the 
house ? 

Mike. Shure an' thot's a good idea, sor. Jist tell 'em thot 
Moike Shannon's on the trail an' he'll be sindin' for the wagon 
before long. 

Vic. Good ! Now, Minerva, don't fret. Everything will 
be all right before you know it. Just do whatever Officer 
Shannon advises. Good-bye. I'll be back later and see how 
things are. [^£xif Vic. 

Mike. Oi'll jist hide here in the winder behind these very 
convaynient curtains. You go up-shtairs, Miss Shterling. 
Keep away from the winders. Shure, if he sees yez lookin' at 
him, he'll niver come in. 

Enter Belle, very excited. 

Belle. Miss Sterling — Miss Sterling — what do you think? 
We have been tricked by an impostor — basely deceived by an 
irresponsible person ! We must do something at once. 

MiN. What do you mean ? 

Belle. Mrs. Spuyker wasn't Mrs. Spuyker at all ! 

Mike. Ah-h-h, she's the thief. 

Belle. I wired the Screatner an account of the reception, 
and they repHed that Mrs. Jennie Van Deusen Spuyker was ill at 
her home with appendicitis ! Now, who was the woman that 
we' entertained ? I must find out — it will make a corking 
story. 

MiN. I suspected that woman from the first. Officer, here 
is our thief. I thought she showed a surprising knowledge of 
the house. 

Mike. She's the one, no doubt about it ! 

Belle, Probably she had been in and out of the house the 
whole afternoon. Oh, I've just remembered. I found a 



THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 23 

partly-smoked cigar on the floor as I came through the dress- 
ing-room, 

MiN. There wasn't a man in that room during the re- 
ception. 

Belle. Probably she was a man ! 

MiN. In disguise ! 

Mike. Probably — they often makes up as wimmen. Now, 
the thing to do, ladies, is to leave this all to me. Yez go up- 
shtairs as Oi tould yez an' Oi'll shtay here an' catch the 
burrglar, be he man or woman. No matter phwat ye hear, don't 
come down till Oi call yez. Because he may be desprit an' 
Oi'll have to use forrce. But don't be afraid — Moike Shannon 
is a match for a dozen burtglars. {A whistle is heard outside.') 
There's me man. Oi'll just give him a few directions. (JHe 
lea7is from the window and shouts.) Ah, there, Dinny ! 
Hide yersilf behind thot tree, an' if anny man or woman 
comes into this house don't wait but ring for the wagon, an' 
thin come to the dure till Oi hands thim out to yez. Oi'm 
afther a burrglar. Go on, now, ladies — he may be here at 
anny moment. 

Belle. Oh, isn't it exciting ? You'll call us just as soon 
as anything happens, won't you, officer? Because I am a re- 
porter, and this will be a great scoop for my paper. 

MiN. If I live through this, I shall need a rest cure. 

Mike. Shure, Oi'll let ye in on the play. 

[^Exeunt Mm. a?id Belle. 

(Mike hides behind the curtains.) 

Enter Barnes, who stares bewildered at the dismantled room. 

Barnes. Where is everybody ? He told me I could come 
back this morning, but something must have happened. What 
ails this room ? Are they house-cleaning ? 

(^He goes toward the desk. Mike watches him, creeps out 
and finally seizes him.) 

Mike. The game's up, me bye ! Doan't shtruggle now. 
So he tould ye to come back, did he? Oi guess 'twas yersilf 
did the tellin'. Ah, 'twas a raoighty clever thrick to come to 
the reciption, all dressed up in wimmen's clothes, but ye 
shouldn't have shmoked the cigar. Such a little thing, but it 
give yez dead away. Come along now. Oi know a place 
where ye're wanted bad. 



24 THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 

Barnes. What does this mean ? Let me go, sir. How 
came you here, anyway ? Where is Miss Sterling ? 

Mike. That doan't go now. Ye' 11 see Miss Shterhng soon 
enough, when she testifies against ye. Where's her gold ^ 
chain ? An' her watch ? An' all the silver ? An' the statute ? 
But it's only fair to tell yez thot anny thing ye say will be used 
ag'inst ye. 

Barnes. I don't know what you're talking about. Take 
your hands off me. I am Mr. Sterling's chauffeur. 

Mike. Shure ye are — ye shtick to it, me bye. We'll give 
ye a nice little ride in a machine where a policeman will do 
the shofin'. Thot' 11 be about good enough for yez. Come on, 
now, there's a gintleman waitin' for ye down at the door. 

Barnes. But this is all a mistake ! It is an outrage, I tell 
you. 

(Barnes is dragged off, still protesting. In a moment Mike 
reappears i somewhat breathless.') 

Mike (calling at the door). Miss Shterling — you reporter 
woman — say, it's all over ! Oi've got him ! 

Enter Min. and Belle. 

Mm. We heard an awful noise — did you have a fight ? 

Belle. Who is he, officer ? 

Mike. Thot was a cinch. He give me a lot o' guff, but 
Oi didn't take no stock in him. He's on his way to head- 
quarters now. They'll soon find out about him. Iverything's 
over now but the thrial. 

Min. What did he look like? Was he tall and thin? 
She was. * 

Mike {puzzled). No — no, he was kind o' shorrt an' fat. 

Belle. Perhaps he isn't the right one. Perhaps you've 
made a mistake. 

Mike {indignant). Shure, he's the roight one, all roight. 
Do ye think Oi'd be fool enough to arresht the wrong man ? 
Oi'd be sued. Oi have it ! He's a confedrit. They mosht 
always has a confedrit. He was sayin' somethin' about '^He 
tould me so an' so." 

Belle. That's it ! 

Mike. An' whin he don't come back the principal will be 
comin' to see what's kept him. Ye'd betther hide ag'in, ladies. 
We haven't got to the bottom o' this yit. 



THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA ^5 

MiN. Perhaps you are right. Come, Miss Brantley. 

\_Exeunt Mm. and Belle. 

(Mike hides again. Enter, very cautiously, Clara with 
Mi^.^s Jewelry. Mike watches with great glee. As she 
goes across the roofu, he seizes her. She screa?ns and 
drops the jewelry.^ 

Mike. Ah-ha, my lady ! Ye got tired o' waitin' fer him, 
didn't ye ? 

Clara. How dare you touch me, you ruffian ? And what 
are you doing in my house, anyway? (Aside.) Heavens! 
Minerva has called in the police. Here's a pretty mess ! 

Mike (noticing her consternation). Be careful phwat ye 
say now. Ivery worrd will be used against yez. Ye can't git 
away — the house is surrounded. Oi jist hand ye over to 
Dinny outside here an' he'll see to ye. Give me the jewelry 
now. It'll be aisier than being searched at the station. 

Clara. Searched ? Good gracious ! The man takes me 
for a thief ! Look here, officer, this is all a mistake. Let go 
of me now and I'll explain 

Mike. Go on with yez — thot's phwat they all say. But 
you're a bould one to deny it with the goods right on ye. 

Clara. It's all a joke, I say. I'll tell you all about it. 

Mike. Shure, it's a foine joke, Oi'm thinkin'. Tell it to 
His Honor in the marnin' an' see how it shtrikes him. 

Clara. You don't mean to lock me up ? 

Mike. Shure not — we niver lock up burrglars ! Hand over 
the shtuff, now. 

(He takes the rest of the jewelry from her and leads her to 
the door. She stritggles ineffectually and calls * ' Minerva 
— oh, Minerva / " Exeunt Mike a7id Clara.) 

Enter Mm. and Belle. 

Mm. I thought I heard some one calling for help, didn't 
you ? It sounded like a woman's voice. (Sees jewelry on the 
floor.) Look ! Look ! my chain and pendant ! He has 
caught the thief! (They rush to the window.) There goes 
the wagon — there is some one in it ! Don't you think you see 
a woman's dress ? 

Belle. Here comes the officer. 



26 THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 



Efiier Mike. 



Mike. Ye see yer jewelry's back all safe, Miss Shrerling. 
Oi tould ye we'd git it. Just see if it's all there, an' then Oi 
have to take charge of it till afther the thrial. We'll have to 
use it for evidence to-morrow. 

Mm. Yes, it is all here, just as I kept it. Oh, tell me, 
how did you catch the thief? 

Mike. 'Twas dead easy. She came a-creepin' in, lookin' 
fer her pal, an' just as she was goin' up-shtairs afther some 
more Oi grabbed her. 

Mm. She was going up-stairs ? She might have found us ! 
Tell me, was she very desperate-looking ? Did she look like a 
hardened criminal ? 

Mike. Oh, she's a crook, all right. 

Belle. But wasn't it funny that she had the jewelry with 
her? I shouldn't think she would bring it back again. 

Mike. She didn't dare dispose of it till she had found out 
about her pal. 

Mm. We haven't found the silver yet. 

Mike. Ah, there's more of them ! Probably there's a whole 
gang — yis, thot's it — there's a regular gang of 'em. An' they 
won't shtop with phwat they've got. Especially now two of 
'em are nabbed. They niver desert a pal. 

MiN. Do you really think there are any more? 

(A noise is heard outside, also a cautious whistle.^ 

Mike. There's one comin' now. Don't ye hear Dinny's 
whistle ? Git a move on ! Hustle up-shtairs now an' lock 
yerselves in. They'll be gittin' more desprit from now on. 
(^Exeunt Mm. and Belle. Mike hides quickly, and in a mo- 
ment, e7tter Har., with the Venus under his arm. Mike 
pounces on him at once.') Begorra, another wan with the 
goods on him ! Come, boy, put down yer lady frind an' take 
a little walk wid me. 

Har. Thunder, there's somebody here. What — look here, 
officer, what do you take me for ? 

Mike. For larceny, that's all. Of a statute. An' Oi don't 
want no cheap talk, nayther. Burrglars is comin' thick an' 
fasht, an' Oi got all Oi can do to handle 'em. 

Har. Well, I'm no burglar, so take your hands off me. I 
haven't stolen anything. I took this at the request of a 
lady 



THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 



27 



Mike. So she's the boss, is she ? Oi thought she was a 
shmart one. Much obliged for the information. 

Har. This was only taken for a juke. There isn't any- 
thing stolen. Everything is all safe, right over on the next 
street. 

Mike. Phwat's thot ye say ? 

Har. You'll find all the missing articles over to Dr. 
Browne's rooms, right around the corner. 

Mike. Thot may be all right, but the lady tould me a 
statute was shtolen an' Oi got yez with the statute right on 
ye, an' Oi don't let ye go nayther. (^Drags Har. to the win- 
dow and calls.') Dinny — oh, Dinny, go round on the next 
shtreet an' see phwat ye find in Dr. Browne's rooms. This guy 
says the shtuff is there. Is the wagon come ? 

Har. Surely you will let me wait here ? I'm a reporter 

Mike. Oh, yis, ye are — an' ye'd like to reporrt the news of 
yer capture to the rest of the gang, wouldn't ye? An' warn 
thim whi^ they come lookin' after ye? Well, the chief of 
police is very anxious about the shtate o' yer health, so down 
to headquarters ye go now to let him see ye're alive. 

Har. This is an outrage ! I'll have you dropped from the 
force. I'll have your buttons. 

Mike. Ye'U have me boot if ye don't quit kickin'. Come 
along now. {Exeunt Mike and Har., satffling. Enter 
Mike. An auto is heard outside. He looks from the win- 
dow.) Byjiminy, this one's come in a taxi cab ! Ain't thot 
foxy, now? They've come for the big pieces ! An' there's 
the man disguised, too. The boss has come at lasht ! Mike 
Shannon, this is your day ! {He hides. Enter Mrs. Lydia 
Sterling. She looks about in dismay at the state of the room. 
Mike, aside.) Oi'U just wait till she takes somethin'. 

Mrs. S. Look at this room ! Where is everything ? Why, 
there isn't a thing where it should be. 



{She goes to the mantel and moves a vase.) 

Mike {dashing out at her). Come on, come on, your pals 
are waitin' fer yez. 
.^-Mrs. S. {sreaming). An officer — help ! Help ! 

Mike {much excited). None o' thot now. Nobody'll help 
ye. Dinny Eagan is on the outside lookin' in, and Mike 
Shannon is on the inside lookin' out, an' the game is up ! How 



28 THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 

many more o' yez are there ? Come on, now, it's your turn for 
the free ride this toime. {She is hustled out bewildered.') 

\_Exeunt Mike and Mrs. S. 

Enter Mm. and Belle, with a tray of lunch. 

MiN. Wasn't it clever of you to think he might be hungry? 
I'm so upset I can't think of anything. You see, we never had 
burglars before. That wagon has just gone off again, hasn't 
it ? I suppose he has caught another. 

Belle. I've found out that men are always ready to eat. 
And he really has had an awfully hard morning's work. 
Nearly every one has resisted, I should think. This makes 
four, doesn't it? 

MiN. I don't know. I've lost count. Oh, dear, it seems 
as if he had been arresting burglars forever ! {Enter Mike.) 
Oh, Mr. Shannon, Miss Brantley thought you might be hungry, 
so we ventured to go down-stairs and get you a little lunch. It 
isn't very much and there aren't any knives and* forks, but 
perhaps you can manage. 

{They sit either side of him. He takes the tray 07i his 
knees and they wait on him.') 

Mike. Now this is very koind of yez. 

Belle. Have you captured all the burglars now, do you 
think ? 

MiN. You must be an awfully smart officer. I always 
thought it took a lot of policemen to catch a burglar. 

Mike. Thank ye. Well, we may have all the thieves, but 
now we have to get the receivers. Ye see one of thim con- 
fessed 

Belle. Confessed ? 

Mike. Yis — an' my man's round now, lookin' up the place. 

Min. Is it near by ? 

Mike. 'Tain't more'n ten miles away. {A whistle is heard 
outside. Mike goes to the window and talks in a low voice; 
comes back, excited.) The thing's more complicated than we 
thought. He hasn't got the man, but he's found the things. 
He's got 'em down at the door now. Iverything is there. But 
he's found somethin' else — a suit o' women's clothes, an' it is 
a man's room. 

Min. Women's clothes? 

Belle. Mrs. Spuyker ! 



THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 2g 

MiN. Then she was a man ! 

Belle. I'll run down and get the things. \_£xi^ Belle. 

Mike. We've got his discription if we haven't got him, an' 
he's been seen headin' for this house. If we could git him 
we'd probably be able to unravel the whole thing. Now ye'd 
better git back into hidin' again, because he's probably the 
ringleader, an' he'll be good an' desprit. I'll have my gun 
handy, 

(He takes out his revolver. Min, screams.') 

MiN. Put that away ! 

Enter Belle with large basket of missing articles and costume 
worn by Mrs. V. D. S. 

Belle. Everything is here, just as you said, officer. 

Min. There is my green vase. Oh, and here's all the sil- 
ver. And that is the very dress Mrs. Spuyker wore. 

Belle. Yes, and her gloves and hat. (Smells of them.) 
Phew, how they smell of stale tobacco ! 

Mike. He's the ringleader, sure enough. We've got 
enough to hang him, once Oi git hold of him. An' as he's likely 
to be here at anny minute, ye'd better go now. If he should 
resist, it wouldn't be pleasant to see. 

{Exeunt Mm. and Belle. Mike hides.) 

Enter Vic. 

Vic. I wonder how the scheme worked. Poor little girl — 
I'm beginning to think it was a pretty mean game, since I've 
seen the papers. Mrs. Spuyker must be astonished if she ever 
sees them. I wonder where Minerva is ? 

(He goes to the door.) 

Mike (dashing out with revolver and billy). Surrender 
now ! Mike Shannon has got yez. Throw up yer hands ! 

Vic. Put down that gun! Are you crazy? Don't you 
know who I am ? 

Mike. Thot's just the rayson Oi have the gun — throw up 
yer hands ! 

Vic. What is the matter with you ? Don't you recognize 
me? I was here an hour ago, talking with you and making 
arrangements. Have you caught the burglar? 



30 



THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 



Mike. Oi've caught siveral o' thim, an' now Oi've caught 
yez. Ah, it's moighty innercent ye were 1 Throw up yer 
hands, widout any more worrds about it. (^He advances upon 
Vic. with the revolver.^ A shmarrt thrick it was, comin' ag'in 
in the avenin', all dhressed up in women's clothes. You're a 
bould rascal — Oi say thot fer yez — but ye didn't think it was 
Mike Shannon thot would be on yer thrail. 

Vic. (confused). How did you know that? 

Mike. Up with yer hands, Oi tell yez. (Vic. throws up his 
hands.) How does Mike Shannon know annythin' ? An' thot 
poor woman ye was impersonatin' sick in Chicago with appen- 
dicitis. Yis, but there's tilegraphs nowadays an' reporters an* 
shmarrt policemen, an' between thim all, they've got ye, me 
foine birrd ! 

Vic. It was quite harmless, I assure you. Only a little 
masquerade. I have just come to tell Minerva — Miss Sterling 
— all about it. I had an object you know nothing of. Put 
down that gun now and let me explain. 

Mike. Keep yer hands up there ! Oi know all about yez 
and yer object. The silver was an object, an' the jewelry was 
an object, an' Mrs. Wright's filagree pin was another object, 
an' Mrs. Dunbar's purse was a- good, fat object, an' Mrs. 
Gray's lace scarf. To say nothin' o' the china an' brie- a brae 
that's just been found in yer rooms. Look behind ye an* see 
it if ye want to. 

Vic. Found in my rooms ? All that stuff? 

Mike. Aw, ye're a good bluffer. Come on an' tell it to 
the Chief. Marrch now — Oi hear the wagon. (Vie. goes 
toward the door, his hands high above his head, followed by 
Mike, covering him with the revolver, and swinging his billy 
in his other hand. The door opens suddenly. Enter Mr. 
Sterling.) Halt ! Shtand where ye are, or Oi fire ! 

Mr. S. Victor, what are you doing? An officer — what 
does all this mean ? 

Mike {to Vic). Be careful phwat ye say now. Oi lis- 
tenin'. 

Vic. If you can convince this asinine guardian of the peace 
who I am, you will be doing me a great favor, Mr. Sterling. 

Enter Mm. and Belle. Min. rushes to her father. 

Mm. Father — father — oh, I'm so glad you've come. Why, 
Victor, what makes you hold your hands in that ridiculous po- 
sition ? (Sees Mike.) Put away that revolver, officer. These 



THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 3I 

aren't any burglars. This is my father, and this the man I'm 
going to marry. 

(Vic. expresses astotiishmeni and delight.^ 

Mike. But he's tlie burrglar — he's the woman ! The 
clothes were found in his room ! 

MiN. In his room ? Victor ! 

Vic. Listen, dearest j I did it for a joke — a sorry joke as it 
has turned out. 

Mr. S. Will some one explain this to me? Why is this 
officer in my house? Minerva, what have you done now? 

MiN. Oh, father, I haven't done anything. But we've had 
a burglary and lots of things have been stolen. But all of them 
have been recovered now, and the burglars are all caught and 
locked up. This officer did it, and he was waiting for the 
ringleader who was seen coming this way, and he mistook Vic- 
tor for him. 

Mike. I tell ye the things was in his room. There ain't no 
mistake. 

Vic. Let me explain. Mr. Sterling, in a spirit of mischief 
— no, not that either, but with the best intentions in the world, 
I attended the reception here last night, disguised as a woman. 

MiN. You — were you Mrs. Spuyker ? 

Vic. I hoped to get evidence that would prove conclusively 
to Minerva that she was giving too much of her time and her 
energies to society. But it now seems that certain articles were 
taken from the house at various times during the day, and oth- 
ers were missed during the evening. You see them here on 
the floor, and this officer insists that they were found in my 
rooms, but how they came there I know no more than you do. 

Mr. S. It's a pretty muddle, I must say. Minerva, where 
is your mother? 

MiN, I haven't seen her — didn't she come with you ? 

Mr. S. She came on ahead in a taxicab about fifteen min- 
utes ago. 

MiN. Came here? 

Vic. Judging from my experience perhaps this officer may 
be able to tell us something about her. 

Mr. S. Officer, have you seen anything of a tall, tl]in lady 
in a blue dust coat and veil ? 

Mike (^putting away his revolver). Oi sent a lady like thot 
to the station along with the rest. 

MiN. Arrested my mother? Oh, you brute! 



22 THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 

Mr. S. My wife in the police station ! \_Extf Mr. S. 

MiN. Oh, what have I done ? Oh, Victor, help me ! Why 
did I ever think I could do anything ? Poor mother — what 
must she think ? 

Mike. Oi think Oi'll be shteppin' outside. If yez want 
anythin' ye can call me. (Aside.) Begorra, it looks as if Moike 
Shannon had put his fut in it. [Exi^ Mike. 

Vic. There, dear, don't cry. It was an unfortunate mis- 
take — that's all. But I can't understand how those things came 
in my rooms. 

MiN. Everybody will know all about it. 

(The telephone rings.) 

Belle. I'll answer it. (At the telephone.) Yes, this is 

Mrs. Sterling's; what is it? Oh, Mrs. Wright, yes 

Found your pin Caught on your evening wrap I'm very 

glad — good-bye. {To Min.) That was Mrs. Wright. She 
says she found her pin on the way home, caught on her evening 
cloak, and she forgot to tell you about it before. 

Vic. She isn't very thoughtful. 

Min. Then that wasn't stolen, anyway. They can't accuse 
you of that, Victor. {The telephone rings.) Let me answer 

this — perhaps it is some more good news Yes, this is 

Minerva right here Father? yes have you found mother? 

......What? (Tier voice rises to shrieks.) Clara ? and Harry 

and Barnes? Oh — oh 

{She faints f dropping the receiver. Vic. catches her, and 
Belle tries to continue the conversatiofi, but gets no reply.) 

Belle. Hello — hello — well, what does all this mean any- 
way ? 

Vic. I'm sure I don't know. Evidently Minerva and this 
fool of an officer seem to have succeeded in getting the whole 
family incarcerated. {To Mi^., who recovers.) Minerva, tell 
me all about it. 

Min. {hysterically). I don't know ! I can't understand it. 
Barnes went off to see his mother and Clara went away to stay 
over night, and now they are locked up in the police station. 
Why, Victor, you've shaved off your moustache. 

Vic, Yes, dear. Mrs. Spuyker didn't have any. 

Belle. Miss Sterling suspected Mrs. Spuyker a little yes- 
terday when you showed such familiarity with the house. And 



THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 33 

this morning we found your cigar in the dressing-room. We 
thought you were the thief. 

MiN. Do you suppose it could have been Clara — that 
woman I saw in the police wagon ? Oh, the poor child ! 

Belle. What a story — what a. corking story. 

Enter Mr. S., Mrs. S., Clara, Har. and Barnes. 

Mr. S. Here they are ! All your family, Minerva, booked 
on the police blotter for larceny, burglary and assault on an 
officer. I've bailed them out, but it's up to you to straighten 
the tangle. 

MiN. {sobbing). I can't ! I can't ! I don't know any- 
thing about it. Oh, mother, don't ever go away again and 
leave me to run the house. 

Clara. I suppose I may as well tell. I'm the one that's 
most to blame. I started the whole thing. I said I'd like to 
play a trick on Minerva, and 

Har. No, she isn't. I'm the guilty one. We wke going 
to play a nice trick on Minerva, and it has landed back on us 
hke a boomerang. But I put her up to it. We took away a 
lot of things to make Minerva think there had been a burglary 
and get her wild. We put them all over in Victor's rooms, 
and before we could bring them back Minerva had called in a 
policeman and he pinched the whole bunch of us. 

MiN. That doesn't explain about the purse and scarf. 

Enter Molly, with purse and scarf, 

Molly. Please, Miss Minerva 

MiN. {screaming). Oh, go away ! Go away ! How did 
you get out? Don't go near her, anybody! Don't come 
near us — stay where you are ! Stay where you are ! 

All. What is it ? What is it ? What is the matter ? 

MiN. I forgot the worst of all. Molly has the smallpox ! 

Mrs. S. Poor child — all this excitement has been too much 
for her. She doesn't know what she is saying. 

Molly. Oh, no, I haven't. Miss Minerva. It's only a 
rash. And Mr. Harry told me I could come home this morn- 
ing 

MiN. So you sent Molly away, did you ? And Barnes too, 
I suppose ? 

Har. The whole push. 

Molly. So I came home and went right to work, Miss 



34 THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 

Minerva, for the house is in such a mess, and when I was 
cleaning up I found these under the piano. 

Belle. The purse and scarf ! 

Vic. Now everything is accounted for. Nothing is stolen 
and we're all as good as new. 

MiN. The policeman is still here. 

Vic. But he hasn't any case. Nothing is missing. 

MiN. Yes, all my money. 

Clara (Jiirnifig away and stooping over). Here's your 
money. They didn't have time to search me at the station. 

Vic. a scheme— a scheme!' We'll return all these things 
to their proper places, call in the officer, and show him that his 
case has fallen through for lack of evidence. Come on, every- 
body, get busy. {They hurriedly restore the room to its normal 
condition^ talking arid explaining.') Now, call him in. 

Mr. S. Officer, come in here. {Enter Mike. He looks 
about in astonishment.) Officer, when my daughter called 
you in, I suppose she gave you a list of all missing articles? 

Mike. Yis, sor. 

Mr. S. Look about you now and see if they have not all 
been replaced. 

Mike (after a careful survey). They shure have. 

Mr. S. Then your duty is done. You may report to your 
superior that all the missing articles have been found and that 
the complainant refuses to prosecute. I am a member of the 
police commission, and although you may have been over- 
zealous in arresting ray family wholesale, in view of the results 
I shall recommend you for advancement. Your case will fall 
through, but perhaps you won't mind it, under the circum- 
stances ? 

Mike. Very well, sor. Thank you, sor. Thin I'd better 
dismiss Dinny Eagan an' we'll be goin'. 

Vic. Wait a moment, officer. I'd like to shake hands with 
you. You don't know it, but you've done me a good turn. 
When you had me at your mercy did you hear what that young 
lady {pointing to Mm.) called me? 

Mike {grinning). Shure, she said yez was the man she was 
goin* to marry, sor. 

Vic. Thanks. I was under that impression myself. I've 
been trying to make her say that for several months, so you 
can see what your revolver did for me. 

Mm. I think I shall have to keep my word, Victor. I 
surely need somebody to take care of me, after this experience. 



THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 35 

Mrs. S. And I'll stay at home and run the wedding recep- 
tion myself. 

MiN. And Officer Shannon will come and guard the pres- 
ents. 

Mr. S. Lieutejiant Shannon, if I have any influence. 

Vic. Bully, bully. {Sings.') 

'' For he's a jolly good fellow." 

{All join hands and dance about Mike, singing i) 

All. " For he's a jolly good fellow, 

For he's a jolly good fellow, 
For he's a jolly good fellow, 
As nobody can deny ! " 



THE CURTAIN FALLS 






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